To The Citizens Of Cleveland From Kris Kringle

Holly Hey HoJo Hecky-Heck everyone! Did I confuse you with the other name? I usually go by Santa Claus or the unfortunate “Little Saint Nick”, but Rudolph noticed that Krispy Kreme had become a popular donut brand, and thought I should capitalize on the ‘k’ thing. He’s one hell of a smart reindeer.

Since I have magical powers, I have made everything you asked for come true. You have a new mayor who appears to be a vaguely African-American Abe Lincoln. He will certainly emancipate you from your malaise. You have saved 430 government accounting jobs from moving to the South Pole with OfficeMax. The war in Iraq is going great… Ms. Claus-Kringle tells me it should be over soon. The Raspberries re-united.

There were no hurricanes here. Tim Mueller’s investments are doing well. Kellen Winslow Junior did not hurt himself yet again. My elves tell me that “Little John” is getting some traction with Hollywood agent-types via the GMC dealer ads. Let’s hope he doesn’t get ambitious like Herve Villechaize and blow the gig by quitting in order to pursue “leading man” roles.

Sure, there were challenges, but at the recent “Mythical Character Summit” the Easter Bunny told me that “there are only opportunities”. Bigfoot concurred, adding that perhaps he should move to Cleveland to help stimulate the tourism tide that has reached over 69 people from “Europe” last year alone.

Bigfoot added that when the hockey team was named “The Lumberjacks” everything was fine here. In fact, he noted that anytime Cleveland had pretended to be in the Pacific Northwest, everything was great. I will ponder having your new mayor rename Public Square “Puget Square” to confuse all the Belgian tourists.

Please note that I cannot personally answer all your letters. Specifically stop sending me missives begging for a good economy. Don’t worry. My elves will have Google go to $7,000 a share and that will fix everything.

Just Believe…

 (:divend:)