I must first address a number of personal reckonings...

I was not against the abolition of the slave trade... I was simply partial to the ready availability of tasty “Brown Sugar” at Monticello.

I heartily enjoyed the “TV Show” featuring my descendants known as “The Jeffersons”. The “Weezy” character especially made me guffaw so hard that I encountered the gaseous affliction.

I am reticent about the fact that my countenance is relegated to the decidedly unused Two Dollar banknote, while Washington’s wooden-toothed likeness adorns the more popular One Dollar note, and that over-achieving, corpulent Franklin has his place on the One Hundred Dollar denomination. Please consider using two of me the next time you purchase a flagon of refined petroleum.

Now, to dissect, explore and elucidate my unraveling of the Cleveland problem.

You have a glorious location at the intersection of the mighty Cuyahoga and the Northern Ocean. Perhaps you should allow industrious farming, especially of barley and hemp, to prosper on your shores.

The incessant flight of mercenary mercantile establishments from your territory must be greeted with glee. Prince OfficeMax of Chicago does not control your supply of clip-like paper attaching devices. I have developed new paper attaching devices I call “Staples”. They have proven to be a worthy alternative to the clip.

Finally, this perplexing reign of King George (The Second Duke of Crawford) will end shortly. I wrote the Constitution just to confound dim-witted dullards, so do not despair, and please support Lipton, Tetley and Twining in fighting the pending “Teabag Tax”.

Yours Truly, Thomas Jefferson, Founding Father and Dry Cleaning Magnate

 (:divend:)