Dear daddy,
I'm writing you this letter with the hopes of exorcizing the demons in my head
the ones that want me to fight you or get that phone call telling me that you are dead
yeah I know there are some things better left unsaid
but I've been holding all this in ever since I was a little kid
several people begged me to call you and eventually I did
and on the strength of that one phone call I thought we would move forward but we slid, at first I felt like a refugee being fed
but when it came time for you to confess your sins you hid
told me that it wasn't you who put it all off on ma dukes
and I'm really not tripping that cuz see now I got a son too
and there ain't no telling what a woman will or won't do
so I'm not trying to belittle what ever you may or may have not gone thru
but come on dude
who else can I go to for answers if not you
I'm saying
after all these years don't you think that's the least you could do
do you know or even care what type hell I've been thru
how many days did I pray for you to come and get me
I held you on higher ground and my moms let me
never did she tell me what you were in that way she sort of sheltered me
but as I began to grow with the reality of life constantly pelting me
my eyes began to open and the real you I began to see
thinking back
that was the real beginning for me
that's what contributed majorly to the man I began to be
so I don't understand how you can sit there and say you can't begin to see
what effect your absence had on me
GI Joe with the kung fu grip
naw brah, I was just looking for your acceptance
you didnt have to spend a lot of money on me
all I really wanted was your
presence
not your presents
your money or your letters
your time would have been better
but tonight here I stand
unbeknownst to you becuz of you a better man
you say how could that be if all these things I say are true
cuz the one thing you did teach me was how not to be a father like you
how many days did I have to walk around with plastic bullshit on my feet
how many nights did we have to huddle together for heat
people in the street stealing becuz they thought it was sweet
me, I was trying to make sure the family would eat
now do you understand why the demons haunt me in my sleep
or how forgiving you has become to me so deep
or how the sins you've sown I now must reap
or how I can smile on the outside but inside I weep
I wish there was some way to make you see
how it's even begun to affect my seed
how he's asking about his grandfather while tugging on my sleeve
now tell me
how do I tell my son 8 years old and doesn't really look like me
that the man that he mostly resembles he might not ever see
that we've been apart for so long and apart we'll probably forever be
I said I wasn't gonna shed anymore tears and I don't think I ever will
over the things you've already done I mean the milk that's already been spilled
but honestly
I don't know if I'll ever be able to swallow this pill
or if even I'm making a mountain out of a mole hill
but try and forgive you I must and try and forgive you I will
BUT NOT FOR YOU
only becuz that's what I must do so I can began to heal
it's time for me to face the truth of how I really feel
becuz the more and more I say I hate you the more I love you still
(:divend:)