If television teaches us anything, it's that at moments of personal crisis, when our self-esteem tanks out, when our self confidence departs like air from a punctured balloon, when things have just gone pitifully, painfully stale, one should do whatever – or whoever – is necessary to land a spot on a TV makeover program. Given a general budget crisis, a school budget crisis, dysfunctional city government, disappointing sports teams and a faltering local economy, we’d make an excellent makeover candidate. The question is, which makeover program is the best choice?

"Trading Spaces" won’t work. A bold new color scheme, some throw pillows, a couple of lamps, and some houseplants ain’t gonna cut it. Besides, we might get Pittsburgh as a trading partner, and that’s just asking for trouble. We could end up with Steelers wallpaper and coffee table made from Iron City cans. And they’ll get cute, of course, and move the sofa and refrigerator out to the porch, and fill the closet with leisure suits. And then we’ll have to wait for them in the parking lot and explain things. Even worse, we could end up with Detroit. Besides, "Trading Spaces" is just redecorating. Redecoration doesn’t get us to revitalization.

Maybe we should try "Extreme Makeover" or "The Swan." Imagine what a small army of plastic surgeons, cosmetic dentists, make-up artists, grooming consultants, stylists, fashion experts, and personal trainers could do for Cleveland’s sagging sense of self worth – not to mention those little fleshy sandwich bags under our upper arms. Just a few short weeks of sucking meals through a straw while wrapped head-to-toe in gauze, and we’ll be ready for that moment when the bandages come off, the designer frock goes on, and the once ugly duckling looks for the first time in weeks into a full length mirror and exclaims, “Yo! Check out the rack!”

Ok, maybe we’re getting into a weird area. "Extreme Makeover" and "The Swan" are overkill anyway. There are all those before photos to deal with, in our skivvies with marker lines to highlight our problem areas. (“Cleveland needed a tummy tuck, butt-reduction, hair plugs, a massive radical pedicure, electro-shock therapy, and a high-pressure colon flush.”) And have you ever watched a liposuction procedure? It‘s like watching a really enthusiastic hotel maid vacuuming a carpet. Except in this case the carpet is your skin, and the vacuuming is done from underneath. And facelifts? Forget it! Somehow having one’s face peeled off, taken in like a pair of ill-fitting pants, and then reattached is not my idea of a revitalizing experience. No, we need something less drastic, something that doesn’t involve a lengthy hospital recovery and psychiatric counseling. We need something more...fabulous.

Which brings us to "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy." When you think about it, Cleveland is a lot like the typical subject of a Fab Five makeover: an earnest, likeable lunk in desperate need of advice on making the best impression when facing a potentially life-changing event. Cleveland needs a new image, not just to impress others, but too restore its confidence. Surgery isn’t required. But a new haircut, a couple of cool outfits, a thorough housecleaning, and some hip decorating is could make a big difference. But we are in dire need of mega-doses of the good-natured, bitch-boy cajoling the Queer Eye crew dishes out with such relish. That would go a long way toward forcing Cleveland to get over itself and stop being such a thin-skinned, defensive whiner.

You want to change your image? Relax, sweetie. We’re here to help.

First thing, stop slouching. Your shoulders are every bit as big as Chicago’s. Stand up straight! Exude a little confidence, and place yourself in our hands.

All right, let’s get started.

What’s this? Oh...my...God! Who doesn’t love a submarine? It’s called what? Really? Honey, that’s not a submarine! That’s an all-you-can-eat special.

And speaking of names...Gund Arena? What were you thinking? Sounds like the subject of a hygiene film.

Browns Stadium. Not bad. Great location! You must use this a lot. Just for football?? You’re kidding! That’s what, eight home games a year? And you paid how much? No, no, we’re not laughing. Oh, well. At least everyone can come down and watch the big TVs. This channel is dull, though. Does that thing get Bravo? Let’s move on.

So who’s Lorain Carnegie? And what did she do to deserve a bridge? Wasn’t she the daughter that ran off with a bullfighter or something? Why don’t you light this one up like those other bridges over the Cowabunga? What? Cuyahoga? Sorry. Isn’t this fun?

The producers of Queer Eye insist that subjects reside in the city of New York, And to my knowledge they’ve never done an entire city. But maybe, if everyone fills out the form on the Queer Eye for the Straight Guy website http://www.thequeereye.com/Be_on_the_Show/), we can convince the Fab Five to give Cleveland the treatment. It’s worth a shot.

From Cool Cleveland contributor Bob Rhubart (:divend:)