There is a God After All

You can file this one away under the heading of "There is a God after all, and He is indeed infinitely just." Remember James O'Keefe, the conservative guerilla filmmaker that posed as a pimp, and, along with his pretend 'ho, traveled around the country visiting various offices of the Association of Community Organizations for Reform Now (ACORN)? After many attempts he finally found one mope allegedly willing to help him and his "bitch" hatch a scheme to avoid paying federal income taxes on their ill-gotten gains.

Although it was a classic "if ye seek long enough, ye shall eventually find" setup, conservatives nonetheless had a field day with the story and ACORN, which has done some very fine work in terms of attempting to lift people out of poverty and registering underclass voters, lost all federal funding and was held up to public ridicule and scorn over the incident.

Well, guess what? O'Keefe, embolden by his success from his ACORN caper, allowed his fame to override his brain. And, yes, payback can indeed be a bitch. Excuse me while I wallow in schadenfreude.

On January 28, U.S. marshals arrested "Mack Daddy" O'Keefe and three inept accomplices after they entered the New Orleans office of Democratic Sen. Mary Landrieu and allegedly attempted to place a wiretap on the office phones. Two of the men were dressed as telephone repairmen and asked for access to the senator's equipment, according to an FBI affidavit. O'Keefe, with his good-pimpin' ass, was sitting in the office at the time filming his road dogs in action on his cell phone. Clever, real clever.

Arrested with O'Keefe were Joseph Basel, Robert Flanagan and Stan Dai, all 24. One of the rocket scientists was allegedly waiting outside in a getaway car with the motor running. If convicted, this quartet of would-be Watergaters could face up to 10 years in a federal prison. Now, I'm just guessing here, but I don't think the feds are going to view this as some sort of post-college fraternity prank ... not by a long shot.

I can only image what happened after the arrest: The FBI probably had to separately take each of the alleged perps into a back room at headquarters and beat them upside the head with a billy club just to get them to shut the fuck up. Five-will-get-you-ten there was not a standup dude in the entire group ... my guess is that all of the 'ho came out once the feds began conjuring up images of them becoming the personal butt boy of some big black dude named Bubba at Alcatraz. (Which, by the way, is only used as a tourist attraction these days -- but when you're already scared shitless and your sphincter muscle has drawn up so tight that when you fart only dogs can hear you -- that really is a minor point, isn't it?)

Cases like these are slam-dunks for the feds since each one of these pussies will swear on a stack of Bibles in open court to witnessing the others setting the Great Chicago Fire of 1871 if that's what the federal prosecutor wants them to testify to. What the hell ever happened to the code of Omerta? That's just not a Republican core value I guess.

O'Keefe, who was once quoted as saying, "Don't just respond to news, but actually create your own headlines," also told Glenn Beck last year that he'd be willing to go to jail for a story. However, he now is saying that he was just doing good, solid investigative journalism by entering Sen. Landrieu's offices under suspicious circumstances, he claims to have done nothing wrong. Well, buddy boy, I hate to tell you this, but methinks the only thing that's going to beat your sorry punk ass to federal prison will be the headlights on the bus.

Now, just because you might have caused some working-class woman to lose her job with ACORN due to the organization's federal funding being cutoff, and just because she might have a son or other relative in the federal prison you eventually wind up in, and just because you only look to weigh about 130 pounds even when your rosy-pink little tight ass is soaking wet, it doesn't necessarily mean that anyone in the joint will know who you are or what you're in for, does it?

That is, unless some writer, who still has strong connections to the federal correctional system, posts a story about you that gets sent into whatever joint you land in. But, hey, what are the chances of that happening?

However, just to be prepared for the worse-case scenario (trust me, the feds really take wiretapping very seriously) maybe you should start practicing now by saying "Stop, Bubba, that really hurts!"

From Cool Cleveland correspondent Mansfield B. Frazier mansfieldfATgmail.com. Frazier's From Behind The Wall: Commentary on Crime, Punishment, Race and the Underclass by a Prison Inmate is available again in hardback. Snag your copy and have it signed by the author by visiting http://www.frombehindthewall.com.