New Study Links Guns, Sexual Dysfunction
A Satire

Although gun lovers claim the recent surge in sales across the country is due to a growing fear that the Obama Administration is secretly planning an all-out assault on Americans' Constitutionally-guaranteed right to bear arms, workers in the sex industry state there is another reason for the increase: Sexual dysfunction.

Employees of the Busty Bunny Brothel, which has two locations outside of Las Vegas and one near downtown Reno, have been compiling data for a while now, and have finally come out with the results of their anecdotal study ... and their findings are startling.

The madam at "The Bunny" as original establishment is called, said the women -- who call themselves "sexologists" -- have been noticing a fairly recent phenomenon: The men who come into the facilities toting guns have a much higher rate of erectile dysfunction than men who are not armed. Tania "Tits" Thompson, the owner of the string of brothels that is used by over 3,000 men per week, said that she has been reluctant to go public with the findings out of fear of a loss of business.

"These guys are real, real touchy about the subject, but some of them are so limp the girls have to tape tongue depressors under their peckers just to try to get them to stand at attention. Many of these guys are popping those little purple pills like they're salted peanuts, but they still can't get it up. They leave out of here dejectedly stroking their guns, which of course are always at the ready, and never shoot blanks. It's kinda sad to see big, strong American males go out backwards like this."

One particularly comely natural blonde, who is working her way through a doctoral program in clinical psychology at UNLV, instigated the correlation of the observations and developed the forms the sex workers use to record their findings. Sparkle (the name she uses at work) said, "I've had guys who once were as randy as Tiger Woods, and then all of a sudden, they couldn't get it up no more. The next thing you know they're showing up here with a gun strapped to their thigh, but they still can't achieve an erection. It's clearly what we in the mental health profession call 'transference'."

Another woman, a married mother of three who had to go back to work to keep the family home from being foreclosed on after her husband was laid off said, "Some of the gun nuts are simply 'wet noodles' but many of them have a double-whammy, their private parts are so small we can't even use the tongue depressors on them, we keep a supply of popsicle sticks on hand, and now we're even having to resort to using those little tiny collar stays from men's dress shirts. It's like an inverse proportion: The smaller these guys are, the bigger the handguns they buy to compensate. It's really weird."

A fairly new sexologist, who had just turned 19 and uses the working name "Whoreretta," said, "We try not to laugh, we know they get enough of that at home ... but sometimes it's really hard. But since we work on tips, when guys get undressed and then want to put their holsters back on, even though it's really funny, we just have to hold it in. And don't let them have a cowboy hat they want to put back on too, it really can get hilarious then ... but they still don't perform any better. One guy wanted to wear his spurs to bed, but, tip or no tip I drew the line at that. Many of our clients like to blame their wives for their dysfunction, but in the year that I've worked here I've learned to do more tricks with a pecker than a monkey can do with a new peanut, but there's nothing I can do on some of these gun cranks that seems to work. They've just fallen ... and they can't get up."

And it's not just older guys who can't get it up, said "Tits" Thompson. "Some of these guys are in the mid-20s to early-30s ... they should be coming in here as hard as a plate full of neck bones, hard as Japanese arithmetic, harder than penitentiary steel ... I just can't figure it out. But I've been buying stock in Smith & Wesson ... gun sales are going to continue going through the roof."

"Tits" continued by saying that many of the guys continually look for scapegoats. "They try to blame their problem on anything else, some of them are even blaming fluoridation ... they say there's something the government is putting in the water, but it's clearly nobody's fault but theirs. They come in here with all sorts of stuff they've ordered over the Internet -- all kinds of creams, jellies, pills and potions -- but none of it works. They've sexually flat-lined."

In an effort to keep clients coming back "Tits" has instructed her managers to refund a portion of their money if the client tries to place the blame for their own inadequacies on the sex worker, but she said she can't keep doing it, it's killing her bottom line. "I'm about to put up a sign that says 'Look, if you can't cut the mustard, you just going to have to learn how to lick the jar.' But what I'm really scared of is the possibility these weenies are going to quit coming altogether ... they're going to just bunch up in their basements, or one of those new 'man caves' they're building, and sit around complaining. Or probably comparing and bragging about the length and hardness of their gun barrels. Personally, I think the problem is all of that tea they've taken to drinking."

  From Cool Cleveland correspondent Mansfield B. Frazier mansfieldfATgmail.com. Frazier's From Behind The Wall: Commentary on Crime, Punishment, Race and the Underclass by a Prison Inmate is available again in hardback. Snag your copy and have it signed by the author by visiting http://www.frombehindthewall.com.