Cleveland’s leading satirist embarks upon a two-issue-long voyage of embellished meat discovery

Dr. James Henry (JH) Salisbury had a problem. It was during Our Civil War. The War Between The States Over Slavery And Other Ridiculously Evil Concepts Of The Era. This was the war where the boys wore blue and gray, thus not blending in with the forest well, thus getting slaughtered like Turkish chickens.

In contrast to the average poor male of the period, Dr. Salisbury was an English nutritionist who had been given the task of developing a "meat cure" to help with the Northern (Blue) soldier’s chronic constipation from tainted beef provided by unscrupulous meat purveyors whose products can still be found in impossibly re-sealable plastic bag-like devices at the Giant Eagle.

Note To Self: Apparently, “Acclaimed Meat Expert” is a more desirable title than “Potential Cannon Fodder” during a war. Keep that in mind should West Virginia attack from the southern perimeter.

Note To Bush Administration: Make prisoners attempt to get the “Baby Swiss” back into its “Patented Re-Sealable Pouch” over and over until they comply with your demands. As Dick Cheney remarked during a recent, protracted rectal exam: “Now, yer talkin’ yer torture deal right there, buck-o!”

As I learned that the local Indian tribe had traded “Coco Crisp” for “Count Chocula”, an animated leprechaun and two minor-league pitchers of soy milk, I was forced to ponder:

Would JH Salisbury uncover the coveted secrets of meat redemption? Would Polish immigrants in Cleveland unlock and perfect the secret recipe? Would Bill Clinton play a minor yet pivotal and satisfied role? What the fuck, over?

Stay tuned. Only in Cleveland can you ask these questions.

From Cool Cleveland contributor Clyde Miles

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