My fellow Americans and Clevelandonians, let us not lose our resolve to defeat the “evil red menace”. I know that Nixon has been silent for too long now, and that the vast, also silent majority of you need me (Nixon) to manipulate our way out of this morass.

Nixon has a five-step program to eliminate your commie-induced malaise. But first, I must address a recent development.

It turns out that “Deep Throat” was a high-ranking member of the FBI, named Mark Felt. Haldeman told me I could not trust that bastard, at least not in the way that Goebbels could trust Himmler. Ehrlichman agreed, and called him “Mark Felt-Up-My-Ass”.

Apparently, that was the case. I (Nixon) should have listened to Kissinger, and had the IRS, the CIA and the Peace Corps bust his nuts.

Now, back to Nixon’s (my) five-step plan to eliminate the Bolshevik insurgency in Cleveland…

1. Level Pittsburgh. Let’s send them back to the “Steel Age” where they belong.
 2. Top-Secret Cover-up Summit Meeting with Mike White, John Dean and Mark Felt… people I can trust.
3. Détente with Chicago. Lull them into submission, then send the Marines in to grab that “Capital Of The Midwest” title.
4. Destroy Cambodia. Just for “old time’s sake”.
 5. Make Jane Campbell the “Ambassador To Hudson”.

Thank you my fellow Americans. I remain myself (Nixon).
From Cool Cleveland's resident medium Clyde Miles 

 (:divend:)