Life's Varing Degrees of Excruciation
A Lost Art: Two-Way Conversations or “Enough About You, Really."

Question: When did conversation between two human beings become so one sided? I can’t tell you how many cocktail hours and luncheons I’ve been invited to where I’ve been forced to repeatedly bite my lip because I couldn’t get a word in edgewise. Forget the fact that what I had to say probably wasn’t of any value, how the hell would anyone know?

I’m one of those types that warms up to people slowly (mostly because I’ve known a few). I don’t consider this a character flaw by any means, but when I’m at a party my quiet demeanor is abused by what seems to be reverberating, caffeine-induced conversation mongers. They seek me out! Caught in a whirlwind of overzealous philosophies and complaints that are spewed at me at warp speed, I often feel as if the blood is draining from my ears.

It usually goes something like this: For the first several minutes I am introduced to a new friend and I am interested as I listen quite attentively. But then they proceed to tell me about their work, their boss, their spouse, their spouse’s work, their spouse’s boss, their neighbor, their dentist and their questionable mole. Those of you who have been on the receiving end of this type of long-winded discourse know what I’m talking about. There is a trick in balancing a slow gin fizz in one hand and a plate of veggies with artichoke dip in the other, while feigning interest as you watch the gale force begin to pick up speed.

But as we near the 20 minute, 30 minute and dare I say, one hour conversation mark with only the occasional nod and “uh-huh” allowed to escape our lips, we find that we are nervously trying to find any reason to abort. Then, as luck and mother nature (thanks Mom) would have it, they are forced to pause and take in air! This is the time to seize the opportunity of creating a diversion, taking advantage of the first excuse we can think of to interrupt, walk away or fake death. (Tip: plastic dinner forks can be used as instruments in accomplishing two of the aforementioned tactics.)

When Did It all Go Wrong?

I have to wonder what is going on in our society that allows people to believe that cocktail party monologue is the new fashion in conversation. Do they actually believe this is tasteful? Once the “discussion” is over and I can again breathe oxygen-rich air, I find myself asking the tough questions: Are these people doing shots of double espresso in the host’s bathroom? Are they lonelier than all get out? Or were they just recently let out of their cages?

All I know is that I am tired of being subjected to mind-numbing, one-sided exchanges that illicit no excitement on my part since major feats like the attainment of world peace, the cure for cancer or the location of their shut off valves are rarely discussed.
from Cool Cleveland contributor TL Champion TL@Coolcleveland.com

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