A key element of the Christian/Pagan/Capitalist plot known as Christmas is music. Every year, we trot out the same tunes to liven up our annual visit with Uncle Bob in his iron lung at the trailer park. The classics are "Silent Night", "Jingle Bells", "White Christmas", "Deck The Halls", "Little Drummer Boy", "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town", and two or three others. More recently we have "Happy X-mas (War Is Over)" by John and Yoko and the just plain awful "Simply Having A Wonderful Christmas Time" (or something like that) by Sir Paul McCartney, but unfortunately, the simple fact of the matter is if you're entertaining over the holidays, you need to play holiday tunes to create an atmosphere that allows for thoughtful conversation, and hopefully, some major "nogging" action.

Untangle the lights. Don some gay apparel. Wrestle the tree into the house. Eat candy until your blood sugar level exceeds Willy Wonka's. Go buy new lights to replace the one's you can't untangle. Plug them in and watch your electric meter spin like an atomic dreidel. It's Christmas time! Suck down a cheesy nut log. Have fights with the family. Jack your VISA balance up to the GNP of Paraguay. Park at the "remote" lot at the mall. It's the damn holidays. Meet a hot babe named Carol, and do some heavy "Caroling." Buy the stupidest shit on the planet for people you hardly know. Drink eggnog until you actually reach "nog-vana". Who cares that no one has ever developed a "nutty nog-log"; it's time for some stinking festivities!

I have two recommendations this season. As usual, they have been scientifically tested using my patented technique of ingesting two bottles of Crown Royal, a pack of Marlboro's, and a gram of Peruvian Flake.

The Ventures Christmas Album
Take all the classic Christmas tunes, do them surf style, and add snippets of your own hits somewhere in each song...it's a stroke of genius. The key tune here is "Sleigh Ride" with "Surfin' Safari" intertwined. Just think about Santa surfing in a sleigh in Africa for a moment...ok, moment over. This disk is all instrumental so you can do some festive karaoke as you serve the red corn chips and faux reindeer sausage. Hey, Santa invented "go-go" boots for this.

A Jolly Christmas from Frank Sinatra
Frank was the ultimate "multi-tasker". As he was recording this heartfelt set of songs of giving and love, he was also pistol whipping Ava Gardner, playing keep-away with Dino using Sammy's fake eye, and having his daughter's boyfriend's head nailed to a coffee table. This one opens with "Jingle Bells" with the background singers doing the classic spelling out of "jingle". I'll bet you Frank knew how to spell "jingle" when this session was over. In fact, rumor has it he couldn't get the word out of his head, and used it as a euphemism for the rest of his life...ie "Hey Jilly...let's whack the jingle out of the rat bastard!"

Extra credit: Phil Spector's Christmas Album

Are there any Cleveland artists who have released a Christmas album? I dunno...

from Cool Cleveland reader Clyde Miles cmiles@optiem.com

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